Open Auditions : Trump Tower Idol

Were you a fan of American Idol? Well get ready for the newest Idol series, Trump Tower Idol!

To enter, visit Trump Tower in Toronto (or anywhere in the world!) and dance in front of their CCTV cameras!

Simply email Trump Tower for a copy of your image (you have the legal access to a copy of it). There may be a charge associated with getting a copy of the footage. If Trump Tower refuses or if you think they are charging an unreasonable amount for a your footage, file a complaint with the Privacy Comissioner of Canada!

Alternatively, dance outside of the tower and record the footage on your own camera! Email a download link to your dance to trump@city-toronto.ca along with a completed copy of this form.

Obviously the people who work at the tower under will not find it annoying that you are dancing outside the tower because they are ok with the fact that they are directly or indirectly supporting the Trump Brand! Click here to learn more.

City Toronto to permanently "Fall Back" / Introducing 25 hour/day clocks

City Toronto loves more; more sex, more food, more sleep. And that’s why the Fall Back Time Change goes over so well - it’s nice to have an extra hour of the day.

Working with German scientists, city Toronto has developed a new 25 hour/day clock. How does it work? The new clock cuts five minutes of time every hour. At the end of a 24 hour period, the clock will have conserved a full hour of time, which can be used by city Toronto residents to do as they please.

The Mayor was unavailable for comment as per a scheduling error which resulted in the Mayor being late for an important meeting. Click here to learn more.

City Toronto to become Smoke-Free 2233

In addition to the newly update warnings on niccotine products, city Toronto will become completely smoke-free by 2233.

As humans tend to ignore basic medical advice, warning labels have been updated to target the ambitions of the "westernized" subconscience. Such ambitions include having fast wifi, seeming smart, and smelling nice to demonstrate that you've got "it all" figured out.

Sales of niccotine products have been dramatically reduced as former customers said they didn't like packaging that suggested they weren't all that amazing after-all. Click here to learn more.

TTC : Free Rides for Drunkards

Driving Drunk sounds like a lot of fun, but apart from the stupidity of the act, comitting murder would put a damper on anyone's day. That's exactly why the TTC is now allowing drunkards to ride the Vomit Comit for free!

Demonstrate your intoxication by showing transit staff receipts of alcohol you've consumed, or by letting them read your outgoing text messages. Click here to learn more.

Toronto Resident Becomes World's First Person To Finish Gum

Mark Hamm, a city Toronto Resident and owner of Blood Diamond Shirts, recently became the World's First person to finish his gum.

Hamm began chewing the gum in October 2013. "It was the last piece of gum in the pack and I was on a budget, so I wanted to make it last" Hamm commented during a press conference at city Toronto Hall.

The Mayor celebrated the environmentaly-friendly finishing of the gum by presenting Hamm with a key to the city. The key enables Hamm to physically enter any property within city Toronto without the fear of being charged or arrested for tresspassing. Click here to learn more.

Boxing Day renamed to Consumers Day

In an effort to acknowledge the consumer based commercially charging consuming society that we are all being consumed with, city Toronto is renaming Boxing Day to Consumers Day.

The name Boxing Day came from the age old process of boxing a stranger in an effort to get the last on-sale Big Screen TV.

"I don't think it's nice to be reminded of hitting people when I'm trying to shop" said Simon T, owner of city Toronto restaurant Glutenous. "Let me pay for stuff I don't need with peace of mind!"

The Consumers Day rename will also allow businesses to tap into sales potential by making it seem like these sales are better than boxing day and subtly instilling fear that consumers are missing out on something big if they do not spend on Consumers Day. Click here to learn more.

A Mural for White People (Finally)

Just in time for white history months (March to January), city Toronto has created a mural for white people, comissioned by the "Grey Goose" Doug Ford!

In this modern society with shows like Atlanta, people often forget about the the successes [failures] of the white peoples.

The mural begins with an over-the-top shout out to the native peoples whom we bought [fucked over] the land from. The mural also highlights the success of transforming a boring [beautiful] landscape into a commercial opportunity [cement].

The mural is located in the Airport District right at the 401 and Kipling Ave.

Later in the year the city will add an Islamophobia section to the mural. Click here to learn more.

Cellular Phone Signal-Free Park

High Park will soon become North America's first Cellular Phone Signal-Free Park.

City Toronto will remove cellular phone signal from 90% of the park which will allow visitors to actually enjoy themselves versus being preoccupied with the digital nothingness that is continuing to consume our sad little lives.

The removal of cellular signal will be conducted using the same technology city Toronto obtained from the Harper Government during the almost successful G20 protests.Click here to learn more.